


없구나 (You're Not Here)

by jimboppa (caramiro)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2504495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramiro/pseuds/jimboppa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael attempts to recover whatever is left of his and Soyoun’s relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	없구나 (You're Not Here)

 

 

 

_I try to go back but you’re not there_  
_No matter how much I call you, you’re not there_  
_We have nothing, we really have nothing_  
\- Lonely, B1A4

 

 

 

Michael stares at himself in the mirror. His eye bags have gotten deeper, and his eyes are red. It wasn’t surprising, considering that he and Soyoun had gotten into another fight last night. They’ve done nothing but fight and make up for the last three months, whether it was over who Soyoun hung out with, Michael spending more time with his med-school textbooks, and anything else they could fault each other with. He belatedly realizes that the white shirt and necktie he’s wearing were gifts from her. And that he hasn’t worn these pants in a while, simply because she said they looked horrible on him. After fixing his hair to the best of his abilities, he finds himself smiling. He’s pretty satisfied with his appearance. He looks decent enough to pass as a human being, which is more than enough for him.

As he rummages for his things, his wallet catches his eyes. Normally, he’d just stuff it into his jeans or bag and move on, but today, a certain photo made him stop in his tracks. It was a Polaroid of himself with an arm around Soyoun, taken during their graduation party two years ago. He can’t help but notice how differently Soyoun looked at him in that photograph compared to when she looked at him last night. It was almost as though the man standing in front of her wasn’t once the same boy she shyly gave her blue rose to.

He sighs as he closes his wallet and puts in his bag. Michael doesn’t really have any plans for today, as the term break for med school has just begun. He instinctively reaches for his phone, dialing the number he knows by heart. Unfortunately, he’s greeted by a now-familiar voice mail.

_“Hi! You’ve reached Soyoun Park’s mobile. I’m unable to answer my phone right now. If it’s urgent, please text me instead. Thank you!”_

Michael sighs. He almost considers throwing his phone to the bed and just throwing himself on it before he gets a better idea. He does as her voice mail says and sends her a message. Almost instantly, she replies.

_“Sorry. I can’t. I’m having lunch with Haejin and Dabin. But let’s have dinner tonight? I need to tell you something.”_

Their schedules have been clashing these days. Whenever he was free, she’d always have something to do with her business. In fact, he remembers how he missed the launch of the sunglasses brand she and her best friend Haejin launched last week. Soyoun poured all her mind, heart, and soul (not to mention savings!) in that project, and it was too bad Michael had to study for his finals that he couldn’t be the supportive boyfriend he wanted to be.

He types a quick, _“Sure. Usual place? I’ll pick you up at 6:30?”_

Before he can let go of his phone, he gets a message saying, _“Yes, usual place. No need to pick me up. I’ll see you there.”_

There’s a lack of emojis in that message. Soyoun always used emojis when texting, unless it was a business client.

 _“See you. I love you,”_ he replies.

It takes a few minutes before he assumes that she won’t reply back. Maybe she’s in a middle of a meeting and has to remain professional, lest it shows on her face.

Michael decides to take a walk around, now that he’s going to be alone for the rest of the morning. Several films are now showing, but he doesn’t feel like watching them alone. He promised Soyoun that they’d watch that film they’ve been anticipating together. It doesn’t feel right to do anything without her.

If he’s honest with himself, he’s not used to doing anything alone anymore. He can hardly remember how he managed to do things like go shopping, watch movies, or eat out without Soyoun. Michael takes in his surroundings, and realizes he’s wound up at the street where he and Soyoun passed whenever they’d walk home from university together.

“When was the last time we’ve been here together?” he asks. He sighs as he remembers that he’s here alone. It would be nice if he and Soyoun could come back here together and take a trip down memory lane.

Instead, Michael finds himself walking these quiet streets alone. He sees that place where they first had dinner without their other friends. Walking down the road further, the once-familiar smell of street food wafts over to him. He chuckles as he remembers Soyoun’s fondness for deep-fried fishballs dipped in sweet-spicy sauce. He also realizes that the corner where he confessed his feelings for her has now been converted to a tricycle terminal. He also sees that the field where he first kissed her is now where a new condominium unit is being set up.

He can’t help but wonder how did he and Soyoun go from being inseparable to whatever this is. Sometimes, he wonders if she still cares. Gone are the days when she’d randomly send him a message, asking about his day. Now, it’s been reduced to weekly dates and these days, they can’t even seem to talk without fighting. Last night’s fight had been about how Michael had forgotten their anniversary, when Michael seriously knows that it’s still on the following week. From there, it snowballed to Soyoun complaining about how Michael didn’t seem to be exerting any effort in their relationship at all.

Maybe she had the right to complain. After all, he has been so focused on medicine school that all his conscious (and sometimes subconscious thoughts) were all focused on it. Michael groans as he hears a familiar song play.

_“Drop everything now / Meet me in the pouring rain / Kiss me on the sidewalk / Take away the pain / 'Cause I see sparks fly / Whenever you smile”_

It was the song Soyoun often insisted was the song that reminded her of him. At least, back when they were still happy. He now finds himself humming the song that once drove him mad as he tries to remember the feeling of Soyoun’s warm hands.

He looks at the time, and he realizes it’s almost time to meet Soyoun. He spies a flower vendor nearby, and he gets a bouquet of roses and a blue balloon, as he remembers Soyoun being fond of those. He hopes that they can make up and start over again after this. He smiles as he recalls the way her eyes light up when she sees him. He wonders how he managed to go on without seeing that for so long.

He arrives at the restaurant, and he sees Soyoun waiting for him, with a small box next to her. She looks unusually sad, as the smile on her lips didn’t reach her eyes like they used to when he gave her the roses and balloons.

“Michael, listen,” she says once he’s settled on the seat across her. She’s scared, Michael notices. He gently puts a hand over hers as a sign for her to continue.

“Do you love me?”

This wasn’t the first time she’s asked him this, but this was the first time that she asked it in complete gravity. There wasn’t the hint of playfulness that wanted a kiss in her tone at all. Even her eyes looked as though they were anywhere but there.

Without missing a beat, Michael confidently answers, “Yes. I love you.”

Michael loves Soyoun. Though he probably has a terrible way of showing it, he can’t imagine life without her.

Instead of lighting up, Soyoun’s face remains impassive. “Remember that time we promised to stay in love, no matter what happens?”  
Michael nods, wondering where this conversation is heading. He still has no idea why Soyoun is being like this. Soyoun’s always been an open book, for as long as he can remember, so why does he find himself unable to read it now?

“I can’t do it anymore.”

It seems Michael’s body understands what’s happening as his mind is still trying to decipher what Soyoun said. His grip on her tightens as she attempts to let go.

“What?”

Soyoun sighs, almost as though she saw this coming. “I can’t do… this… us, anymore, Michael,” she said. “You say you love me, but sometimes, I wonder, do you mean it? You’ve given up on me way before I’ve given up on you.”

This is it. He better start laying his heart on the table before he loses her forever.

“I haven’t given up on you, Soyoun,” Michael said, not liking where this conversation is heading. “I’ve just been busy. I meant what I said about loving you. You’re the most important person to me.”

Soyoun shakes her head. “I know that. But I also meant what I said about this being a two-way thing. I can’t help but feel like I’ve given too much and that I’ve been getting too little in return. I know it’s not supposed to matter if I love you, but… I just don’t want to end up with a shell of myself when you eventually break my heart.”

Michael sighs, unable to respond properly. The girl who promised to love him forever is now leaving him?

“So it’s a matter of who leaves first, is this what you’re saying?” he asks, still in shock that she could do this to him.

“No,” she says, obviously frustrated with him. She finally manages to get her hand free from his grip. “I’m just sick of waiting for something that will probably never come.”

She takes the small box from the floor and puts it in front of him. “Here,” she says, sliding it in front of him. “It’s the box of things you gave me during the course of our relationship. I loved you, Michael, but… I need to remember to love myself too. Goodbye.”

She gently pats his cheeks as farewell before exiting the restaurant. Her hands feel cold against Michael’s cheek. The smile she has on is no longer the loving one she had years ago, but it’s the same affectionate one she gives a child or a friend. He watches her as she leaves. Michael swears she looks relieved, despite crying in Haejin’s and Dabin’s arms. He knows she’ll be fine, but he isn’t sure about himself.

He opens the box as he unearths the little trinkets she had saved in there. There was that key from the padlock they put on the Lover’s Locks in Seoul. He admittedly lost his copy of the key. He also found the tickets to that planetarium they visited during their first date, along with some scribbles of “Michael and Soyoun forever <3” written at the back. He digs through among some other things, until he comes across a CD that he’s sure he’s never given her.

It says “없구나 (You’re not Here)” in bold pink and purple letters. Soyoun’s never been good with words, and spoke better with her music. He looks at the back, and he’s sure it’s something she’s been putting together for months.

Michael heads home, since he knows this message is something she’d want him to hear alone. He loads the CD, and true enough. The choice of songs seem to be a narrative of their relationship. It started out with the cheesy, saccharine pop songs Soyoun loved playing in the car, then they eventually started becoming a little more depressing. He had no idea Soyoun’s been feeling neglected these days. Until he eventually got to the last song. It was a Korean song Michael was unfamiliar with. He sees a piece of paper wedged inside the CD’s case. He opens it and sees Soyoun’s handwriting.

_“Dear Michael,_

_I was hoping this letter never reaches you, but if it does, then, I guess I’ve finally given up on us. I just hope that one day we’ll be friends again. I just want you to know that I don’t regret anything. I didn’t regret loving you. I still don’t. I don’t think I ever will. I’ll eventually forget about you, and you’ll find someone worthy of all your love. That one person who will make you move mountains and defy the laws of science and progress. Unfortunately, that person isn’t me._

_We both knew love wasn’t easy, yet we both decided to take the risk. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, Michael. It means so much to be your first love. It isn’t easy to let go of something I’ve treasured for so long, yet I knew I had to. This love has begun to run its course. It’s best if I let you go now, before it’s too late and whatever we had becomes nothing._

_I love you… but I guess it’s not the way we thought it would be. First love is never easy, as the last song in my playlist says. I can’t write letters and I’d rather let my tapes speak for themselves, but this last message is in a language you can’t speak, so… this letter ought to help you out._

 

 

_Because first love is beautiful,_  
_a first love is a flower_  
_Blooming widely when spring comes_  
_dazzling like a flower_  
_Like a young child,_  
_a first love is inexperienced_  
_Because you can’t unconditionally_  
_give and take love_

_My love, goodbye…_

_Please don’t hate me,_  
_Soyoun._

Michael stares out the window. He didn’t expect her to leave him. He had no idea when love left her, and he has no intention to find out. He knows he won’t get answers now, or if he ever will. So this is what heartache feels like? As though he was drained of everything he has. He can’t even bring himself to cry. All he wants is to be numb to everything.

He just wanted to spend some time with her, and now she’s no longer here. The only thing he’s now left with is longing. Longing for the past, longing for some more time, he doesn’t know. All he knows is that there’s this gaping hole in his heart that he has no idea how to heal and how long it will take.

 

 

 

 

  
_Every day every say_  
_I walk on this street again with you_  
_If only I can walk with you again_  
_If only we can walk together again (I’d like it)_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-30-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> \- Spawned while someone I thought was gone turns up  
> \- Thanks to Bruno for the beta/hand-holding  
> \- Inspired by the song ["Lonely" by B1A4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Asd-GI7tTPo)  
> \- The last song in Soyoun’s mix tape is [“Illa Illa” by Juniel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCy6pVMhkiA)  
> \- Happy birthday to Soyoun, who celebrates her birthday today.  
> \- Let’s all cheer for both Michael and Soyoun, who are both competing in Skate America this weekend. Don't forget to use the hashtags #GoMCM and #SA2014


End file.
